Children's questions

Answering children's questions about death can be very difficult. You may find the following points useful:

• Children tend to ask their questions in the middle of everyday conversations. Don't be surprised if they change the subject abruptly when they've had enough. They'll take in as much as they can manage. You don't have to give all the information in one session.
• Accept that these conversations will feel uncomfortable. Whatever is said is just an opening, even if the words come out clumsily the child will know that you valued them enough to make an attempt.
• If young children ask what 'dead' means, it can be helpful to say something concrete and specific such as, "A dead body can't breath, can't eat and won't ever wake up."
• Check what they've understood by asking them to repeat it back to you. If it comes back in their words and still makes sense you know they've got the message.
• There aren't always answers. It's all right to say, "I don't know."
• Be prepared for them to come back with more questions when they've taken in the answers to the first ones.
• If the subject is painful for you, it may be helpful to tell them why. For instance, you could explain that you find it tough to talk about death because you're still feeling bereaved from a previous loss, perhaps of your own parent.
• Remember that children need realistic reassurance. Most people do die when they're old, but young people and even children die of serious illness or in accidents occasionally.
• Children are often curious about ritual and may ask lots of questions about what a funeral is. One possible answer might be: 'A funeral is a special time when everybody who knew the person who died can come together to remember them. There are often special prayers and songs. Some people cry. Everyone thinks a lot about the person who died.'